3 March. Tuesday. Shall I give this to your or not?
08.00 You know by now: alarm – coffee H.E. – on my way to Sagar for the second day of the workshop.
We had a long talk sitting in the garden. He asked me about my life, my health, and my relationships.
Not in being a bad word, not in fighting like in WAR, not in fighting in ANGER.
Fighting as in trying to keep up with the other children. Being little – short legs – their fast walking was running for me. They jumped over the bushes as a short-cut; I got trapped by the wire hidden in the bushes, falling on my knees, which delayed me so I needed to run even faster, not to end up alone.
Fighting as in arguing with mum & dad. I did not mind to do things, I did mind to have to do it ‘their’ way at ‘their time’. I wanted to do it MY way. The result at the end of the day would be the same, the dishes done, the table set, and my homework done by the end of the day.
Sorry for being such a pain in the .. mum and dad, I was a rebel I know (but then again, the apple does not fall far from the tree?)
Already then I was fighting ‘The System’, the ‘everybody does it’. I already then did not wanted to be an everybody, I wanted to be ME, RITA.
Fighting in my marriage. Although it was a good marriage with only good memories left, I realized when it was over, I had lost myself. I had made myself a ‘servant’. I did it because I wanted to, but I did loose Rita in the meantime. I do remember the times that I thought “but what about ME” and said it out loud sometimes. Probably not loud enough and/or clear enough and slowly we became friends, brother and sister, not husband and wife anymore.
Fighting for ‘survival’. Fighting to keep the bar going, fighting with the landlord, fighting against the system. Getting exhausted, so I left.
Fighting for understanding, not being misunderstood. (trying to explain, also to people who did not Want to understand).
Fighting for others, if I saw they were not treated fair.
Fighting breast cancer. More my brain fighting against my body. I was not sick,
my body was just telling me it wanted/needed a rest and I (my brain)had to accept that.
Fighting to pay my bills.
Fighting my tiredness at the moment, my painful legs. But again, my body is just telling me to stop running, walk and look around you. Enjoy every minute, see the butterflies, smell the flowers. Okay do your ‘job’, but take a break, relax on time.
My life became more easy lately (except the financial part), but still 24 hours in a day seemed not enough for me.
Now my body is telling me again: STOP. Stop running, take a breath, and take/make YOU TIME!
And I do and I will keep doing that from now on.
This workshop helped me to really see it and to accept it and taught me the technique to relax my mind, my body.
I am NOT coming home dressed like a Buddha (in orange, but I AM coming home as Rita Sanghita, reborn, renewed again and I will (this time) continue this way of life.
It will mean that I will say NO sometimes, but it does not mean I will let any of my friends down.
14.00 Hara massage. This is a massage of the belly-stomach region. And yes, this was necessary. ‘Cleaning’ from inside (burping a lot.)
16.00 at C.W.A. The kids not back from school yet, so peaceful and quality time with Gangka. Chatting, joking, and giggling, until the ‘storm’ came in.
23 Full of life kids and end of peace, calmness, but also a house filled with laughter and love.
With a taxi with Kamal and Arjun to the shop with painting materials. It is gone! Closed! Passing the teachers house to ask where the shop moved to. In the taxi again, ending up in a very small shop, where the boys tried to find everything needed. We had to leave with making an order, half of the materials they need where not available. Next time when I am in Kathmandu (my next trip I mean)Kamal will send me a list of needs, so I can bring it from Kathmandu, where I can easily get everything and probably cheaper also.
Sitting in the taxi the boys surprise me again:
“Rita,maybe after 2 or 3 years we can open our own gallery in Lakeside. WITH a shop for painting materials in the same place. With selling the materials we can pay the rent.”
Don’t tell me that ‘our’ children are not creative, not only in creating art, but also in creative thinking. Kamal had a 10-score for mathematics (his favourite major), so guess who is going to do the books.
Arjun is every year voted as the most disciplined student of the school, so guess who is going to ‘organize’ the gallery. And all of these 5 boys are artists-to be, they can take care of the design of the gallery. Would be nice if we can achieve this.
Again a meeting with Thak in his office. We are getting more and more relaxed in our conversations, both of us more open and free in expressing our thoughts. Very shy he said that he never had the opportunity to go to school, that his English is very poor. But I can also confirm that he really loves every single child of his ‘family’ and that he is trying to do the best for them.
He said that his job is to check the building of the house, to keep an eye on the people making the road, without chopping of a piece of his land AND fundraising in the village.
I spotted a new badminton set in a corner and asked about it. He said that he will take them out, only after the sets they are using now are completely destroyed. Fair enough, but I also mentioned that Kay was planning to buy some. He promised to tell her that he had some in the office plus a baseball set and a leather football and that he will tell the next volunteer that if they need something they first can ask him if it is already in the house or not. Another big step made!
When I came out of the office some kids came to me for their goodnight hugs and to overload me with kisses, whispering I love you, we love you. I LOVE YOU TOO.
Sudeep walked me home, carrying the big paper sheets, which could not be cut in the painting shop (no electricity). We have to find a place in Pokhara to get them cut, so they will fit in the trunks of the boys.
Time to have a nice conversation with Sudeep in which I told him that Thak would be more than happy if Sudeep will take care of answering the emails (after his exams) and to have a look at the website of the house. A happy face, twinkling eyes.
His promise, that after finishing his exams, he also will have a look at my homepage of my website and that he is going to write the HTML for it.
"You do so much for us; I want to help you back as much as I can”.
We can learn so much from all the C.W.A.-children, from the little 3 year old Jeevan up to 17 year old Sudeep, already a man with taking a lot of responsibilities on his young shoulders. Compassion, unconditional love for each other, sharing everything, happiness, sadness, comforting each other, giving away some of their biscuits or grapes, touching a warm forehead, checking a limping leg, and so on.
The Universe is watching over me: after working one hour on my laptop at my diary, it thought I had to take a break: a spontaneous complete shutdown of my laptop. Overheated! Dead! Okay, Universe, I got your message, I will take a break.
I used the cool down period for my laptop to do the accounting. Sanu (H.E.) arranged real book keeping paper for me (Thank you my friend) so I was able to write out a good readable, specification for the Nepal fund. Ending up with the conclusion that my ‘job’ is nearly done.
Cooking lessons for Rasilla, her bus fare, picnic, pizza, money for the ordered painting materials and that was it for this time.
After half an hour I could restart my laptop again. Thank God, it is still working.
Worked one more hour and just before midnight I listened to the CD Sagar had given to me as homework for tomorrow. It was just finished when the power shut down again, all that was left to do – after another day filled with achievements, jobs done AND a lot of love was to close my eyes and have a full night sleep with 46 arms around me.
Suba Ratri
Rita Sanghita with Kushi Aga.
We had a long talk sitting in the garden. He asked me about my life, my health, and my relationships.
Why this title today?Now I am able to describe my life in one word: FIGHTING.
Because I thought about whether or not to put this on the ‘public’ website or not. It is very personal. But then again: a diary is,isn’t?
And up to here I have been sharing my thoughts, experiences, feelings with you. And don’t want to ‘close’ my thus far open, honest, true insight for you now.
After all, it IS part of my life, it IS also something which had and will have a big impact on me, while being here and being back home. It IS something that made me the Rita Sanghita who I am now and want to be.
Don’t feel sorry for me, sad or whatever, when you decide to continue to read it, because it IS not a sad story. It is just reality, the truth.
I don’t feel sorrow; have no regrets, pain, anger, doubt, jealousy, looking back.
Would I live my life different, if I could do it all over again? NO!
I treasure every single moment of my life I lived, sad or happy, wealthy or less-wealthy, healthy and less healthy. Because this life made me who I am now, what I am now: a happy Rita Sanghita with Kushi Aga.
Even if I had not made some of the mistakes I made (and some more than once), I would not be where, how I am now.
I learned from those mistakes, by not making them again, knowing I still will make mistakes, but not the same ones again!
So yes, I will also give this to you, I will continue writing the truth, continue being true to myself AND to you.
I leave it completely up to you whether you continue reading or just scroll over it. That’s the nice thing of a website or a letter, no one will/can check if you read it or not. It is entirely up to you, your choice.
My choice is to give this part also to you, realizing it can or may be used against me. But even then I feel strong enough to face ‘bad’ comments, miss-use, misunderstanding maybe expressed. Safe your breath, it will be a waist of time. I will just reply with: no comment, it was your choice. I am NOT going to try to explain.
Read it or not, learn from it or not, use it or not.
If you use it against me, it will be a boomerang; it will hit YOU one day, not me.
IT IS YOUR OWN CHOICE! Like I made mine.
Not in being a bad word, not in fighting like in WAR, not in fighting in ANGER.
Fighting as in trying to keep up with the other children. Being little – short legs – their fast walking was running for me. They jumped over the bushes as a short-cut; I got trapped by the wire hidden in the bushes, falling on my knees, which delayed me so I needed to run even faster, not to end up alone.
Fighting as in arguing with mum & dad. I did not mind to do things, I did mind to have to do it ‘their’ way at ‘their time’. I wanted to do it MY way. The result at the end of the day would be the same, the dishes done, the table set, and my homework done by the end of the day.
Sorry for being such a pain in the .. mum and dad, I was a rebel I know (but then again, the apple does not fall far from the tree?)
Already then I was fighting ‘The System’, the ‘everybody does it’. I already then did not wanted to be an everybody, I wanted to be ME, RITA.
Fighting in my marriage. Although it was a good marriage with only good memories left, I realized when it was over, I had lost myself. I had made myself a ‘servant’. I did it because I wanted to, but I did loose Rita in the meantime. I do remember the times that I thought “but what about ME” and said it out loud sometimes. Probably not loud enough and/or clear enough and slowly we became friends, brother and sister, not husband and wife anymore.
Fighting for ‘survival’. Fighting to keep the bar going, fighting with the landlord, fighting against the system. Getting exhausted, so I left.
Fighting for understanding, not being misunderstood. (trying to explain, also to people who did not Want to understand).
Fighting for others, if I saw they were not treated fair.
Fighting breast cancer. More my brain fighting against my body. I was not sick,
my body was just telling me it wanted/needed a rest and I (my brain)had to accept that.
Fighting to pay my bills.
Fighting my tiredness at the moment, my painful legs. But again, my body is just telling me to stop running, walk and look around you. Enjoy every minute, see the butterflies, smell the flowers. Okay do your ‘job’, but take a break, relax on time.
My life became more easy lately (except the financial part), but still 24 hours in a day seemed not enough for me.
Now my body is telling me again: STOP. Stop running, take a breath, and take/make YOU TIME!
And I do and I will keep doing that from now on.
This workshop helped me to really see it and to accept it and taught me the technique to relax my mind, my body.
I am NOT coming home dressed like a Buddha (in orange, but I AM coming home as Rita Sanghita, reborn, renewed again and I will (this time) continue this way of life.
It will mean that I will say NO sometimes, but it does not mean I will let any of my friends down.
14.00 Hara massage. This is a massage of the belly-stomach region. And yes, this was necessary. ‘Cleaning’ from inside (burping a lot.)
16.00 at C.W.A. The kids not back from school yet, so peaceful and quality time with Gangka. Chatting, joking, and giggling, until the ‘storm’ came in.
23 Full of life kids and end of peace, calmness, but also a house filled with laughter and love.
With a taxi with Kamal and Arjun to the shop with painting materials. It is gone! Closed! Passing the teachers house to ask where the shop moved to. In the taxi again, ending up in a very small shop, where the boys tried to find everything needed. We had to leave with making an order, half of the materials they need where not available. Next time when I am in Kathmandu (my next trip I mean)Kamal will send me a list of needs, so I can bring it from Kathmandu, where I can easily get everything and probably cheaper also.
Sitting in the taxi the boys surprise me again:
“Rita,maybe after 2 or 3 years we can open our own gallery in Lakeside. WITH a shop for painting materials in the same place. With selling the materials we can pay the rent.”
Don’t tell me that ‘our’ children are not creative, not only in creating art, but also in creative thinking. Kamal had a 10-score for mathematics (his favourite major), so guess who is going to do the books.
Arjun is every year voted as the most disciplined student of the school, so guess who is going to ‘organize’ the gallery. And all of these 5 boys are artists-to be, they can take care of the design of the gallery. Would be nice if we can achieve this.
Again a meeting with Thak in his office. We are getting more and more relaxed in our conversations, both of us more open and free in expressing our thoughts. Very shy he said that he never had the opportunity to go to school, that his English is very poor. But I can also confirm that he really loves every single child of his ‘family’ and that he is trying to do the best for them.
He said that his job is to check the building of the house, to keep an eye on the people making the road, without chopping of a piece of his land AND fundraising in the village.
I spotted a new badminton set in a corner and asked about it. He said that he will take them out, only after the sets they are using now are completely destroyed. Fair enough, but I also mentioned that Kay was planning to buy some. He promised to tell her that he had some in the office plus a baseball set and a leather football and that he will tell the next volunteer that if they need something they first can ask him if it is already in the house or not. Another big step made!
When I came out of the office some kids came to me for their goodnight hugs and to overload me with kisses, whispering I love you, we love you. I LOVE YOU TOO.
Sudeep walked me home, carrying the big paper sheets, which could not be cut in the painting shop (no electricity). We have to find a place in Pokhara to get them cut, so they will fit in the trunks of the boys.
Time to have a nice conversation with Sudeep in which I told him that Thak would be more than happy if Sudeep will take care of answering the emails (after his exams) and to have a look at the website of the house. A happy face, twinkling eyes.
His promise, that after finishing his exams, he also will have a look at my homepage of my website and that he is going to write the HTML for it.
"You do so much for us; I want to help you back as much as I can”.
We can learn so much from all the C.W.A.-children, from the little 3 year old Jeevan up to 17 year old Sudeep, already a man with taking a lot of responsibilities on his young shoulders. Compassion, unconditional love for each other, sharing everything, happiness, sadness, comforting each other, giving away some of their biscuits or grapes, touching a warm forehead, checking a limping leg, and so on.
The Universe is watching over me: after working one hour on my laptop at my diary, it thought I had to take a break: a spontaneous complete shutdown of my laptop. Overheated! Dead! Okay, Universe, I got your message, I will take a break.
I used the cool down period for my laptop to do the accounting. Sanu (H.E.) arranged real book keeping paper for me (Thank you my friend) so I was able to write out a good readable, specification for the Nepal fund. Ending up with the conclusion that my ‘job’ is nearly done.
Cooking lessons for Rasilla, her bus fare, picnic, pizza, money for the ordered painting materials and that was it for this time.
After half an hour I could restart my laptop again. Thank God, it is still working.
Worked one more hour and just before midnight I listened to the CD Sagar had given to me as homework for tomorrow. It was just finished when the power shut down again, all that was left to do – after another day filled with achievements, jobs done AND a lot of love was to close my eyes and have a full night sleep with 46 arms around me.
Suba Ratri
Rita Sanghita with Kushi Aga.
posted by Rita Sanghita at
10:59:00 AM
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